If your Easter plans are boring, why not ditch them and join me for my own Second Coming tomorrow in Austin, Texas at the Malvern Bookstore? Attendance is mandatory. Well … unless … of course … attending would be inconvenient … in which case, please don’t put yourself out on my account! Jesus, the last thing I need is a malcontented audience! I’ll be nervous enough as it is! I’m reading, you see. From I, No Other. And I’ll probably sign your book if you buy it and ask nicely. Or even just shove it in my face and grunt. I mean, I’m an “author,” I’m abject, whaddya want? Dignity? That shit went out with the fin de siècle, Boo.

Tomorrow morning I’ll be boarding a plane for the first time in many years. Air travel has gotten very tricky since the last time, I hear. I’m terrified that I’m going to be dragged out, bloodied up, and incongenially man-handled. Apparently, they offer money before calling in the thugs, so I might go for that, but I want to haggle it up, make it worth my while. I’m thinking 10 grand?

Either that, or I’ll fly to Austin and read from my book. So it’s win-win.